Silent Heartache


Infertility. It is one of those topics that is usually taboo. It’s not a favorite conversation topic for most (unless, maybe, you are a fertility doctor!). It is painful for, not only those who have personally experienced it, but also for those who know someone who has been devastated by it. It does not only affect women, but also their husbands who watch the person they love the most on this planet suffer heart-wrenching grief that is completely out of his control to fix.

Infertility is so difficult to talk about for many reasons. Fear of what others will think or say, fear of receiving unsolicited advice, fear of bringing up emotions that you try so hard to suppress in public – emotions reserved for the privacy of your own home where you feel safe to bury your head in your pillow and cry out to God with questions and, let’s be honest, sometimes anger. Fear of seeming discontent and ungrateful, and the list goes on.

In risking to expose my heart (which is pretty scary, I must admit!), I hope that my story (and this article that I will later share) will help someone who is in the midst of one of the most painful and hurtful things a woman can walk through.

Now, I have a beautiful, smart, extremely spirited little girl named Evie. She is three and a half years old. She has brought so much joy to our lives and we could not imagine life without her sweet smile. So my story is one of secondary infertility, since I had no trouble conceiving my little girl.

evie for blog
My sweet girl, Evie

Around three years ago, we stopped preventing another pregnancy. Nothing happened. We didn’t think much of it at first, but after a year or so of trying to conceive, we naturally wondered why it wasn’t happening. We prayed for 3 long years for another child.   We were losing hope, and I began to try to shift my thoughts from forcing something that I knew I was completely powerless to control, to focusing on all the wonderful, underserved blessings that God had already showered on my life. And above that, I wanted Him to be enough.  I prayed that He would help me to see Him as enough. Even if He never gave me another thing, He was already enough, simply because He is God. I prayed that He would cause me to internalize that truth and believe it with everything in me, even though I was hurting.

I did already have a sweet little blessing, so my situation shouldn’t have been that painful, right? I wish that were true! I still struggled with the ugly emotions that my infertility brought about, but it seemed the more I focused on my blessings, and the truth that God’s goal wasn’t to make me miserable, it was then that the anger, fear, and envy began to become less of an issue.

I’d like to share a blog post that was extremely helpful to me, several months ago, when I was at one of my lowest points in this trial. I hope that, if you are in the middle of this infertility roller coaster that you will allow this article to help you. If you know someone struggling through this, consider sharing this article with them.

It’s been a few months since we received the hard news that our struggle with infertility would require more treatment before we are able to proceed with trying to get pregnant. Few things feel worse than waking up from surgery and hearing the words, “It was worse than the doctor thought; you will need more treatment.” I went into surgery hopeful and came out feeling like I had been punched in the stomach (physically and emotionally). This is not how we planned. This is hardly what we wanted. And this diagnosis only prolonged, and solidified, that we weren’t just a couple who was having a hard time getting pregnant again. We were infertile, at least for the time being.

I wish I could say that my response to this news has always been Christ-like and admirable. It hasn’t. But through this trial, God has taught me some specific things about his character, my depravity, and his goodness in all things. I believe that God is absolutely sovereign over my infertility in the same way that I believe he was sovereign over my miscarriage. It was not a surprise to him. In fact, it was designed by him for my good, and he doesn’t want me to waste this suffering. What I’ve learned is hardly exhaustive, but it’s a start. If you are struggling with infertility, too, I pray that God uses these words to encourage you as we walk this road together.

Not wasting your infertility starts with a deep and abiding trust in the God who knows the end of your infertility. 

He knows the end of it because he gave it to you (Gen. 50:20; Job 2:10; Ps. 88:6-7). But he also knows the end of it because only he can truly heal your body and give you a baby. Know God’s Word. Study it. Live off of it. It is in his Word that you will see God and know him more deeply. You will find that he is good all of the time, that he loves you more than you know, and that he wants to give you a greater knowledge of himself through this devastating trial. In his Word you will find comfort for your soul. Not wasting your infertility is a constant fight to see God as good, but it’s a fight worth having.

Not wasting your infertility means you worship even when your heart is breaking.

John Piper says that the “unwasted life is the one that continually puts Christ on display.” That’s what worship is, giving God the glory due his name. Worship means treasuring Christ above all things, even a baby.

Not wasting your infertility means praying boldly.

Only when we trust God as the all-sufficient creator, healer, and sustainer can we worship him and also pray to him boldly. Knowing God enables us to pray to him with confidence that he can and will act in our best interests. Infertility is a disease of the helpless. You can’t change your condition. You can’t make two blue lines show up on a pregnancy test instead of one. But God can. Your experience with being utterly helpless to change your circumstance puts you in fellowship with many biblical characters. Pray like King David in the Psalms (see Psalm 27, 28, 30, 56, 62 and many others). He faced great difficulty and tribulation. His prayers were honest, bold, and worshipful because he trusted in God to be his hope and salvation.

Not wasting your infertility doesn’t mean you can avoid grieving and pain.

This might seem like an odd addition, but the unwasted life isn’t the triumphalistic life. The apostle Paul accurately described walking through this life as, “sorrowful yet always rejoicing” (2 Cor. 6:10). That applies to infertility as well. We are sorrowful because it’s devastating, painful, and sometimes neverending. But we are rejoicing because we have hope that this is not all there is to life. It’s not that we are happy with our circumstances. There is nothing happy about infertility. Oh, but there is a great Savior who has given us everything we need through his death—including comfort in our pain.

Not wasting your infertility means taking your thoughts and emotions captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).

Infertility brings with it a minefield of scary scenarios and questions (What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I miscarry again? What if I can’t afford treatment?). Those thoughts tend to bring emotions, which then bring stress and worry. Infertility, like all suffering, has a way of putting pressure on us and our relationships. Infertility doesn’t bring with it a free pass on how I treat people, my husband especially. Nor does it give us license to daydream about the many “What if’s” that come with infertility. I have learned this the hard way. God gave us real emotions and feelings, but they are not morally neutral. And our husbands are real people who hurt just as much as we do. Talking to yourself, instead of listening to yourself, is especially helpful when you feel your emotions taking over. Ask yourself, “Is this feeling true?” (Phil. 4:8) If it is, you have a faithful, sympathetic Savior who understands your feelings. If it’s not, that same Savior is able to comfort you and change your feelings for his glory.

Practical suggestions and ways to stay busy can be helpful, but even more important, the practical cannot happen unless we embrace Christ as our greatest treasure in our season of infertility. Sure, we can find ways to stay busy to take our mind off the pain, and those are good things to do (I’ve done it). But busyness in order to run from the suffering is not the same things as busyness in order to fill the season with good things. God has designed suffering to chisel us more into the image of Christ, to draw us closer to himself, and to give us a greater vision and understanding of his glory. We could easily miss that if we fill our schedules in order to forget.

I don’t know the outcome of my journey of infertility. Right now, I know that I’ve still got a road ahead of me that needs to be traveled. I don’t know where you are, either. But I do know this: no matter where we are in the journey of infertility, God has a sure and good purpose for us. He will test us, he will chisel us, and he will show us more of himself every step of the way. And after he has tried us, by his grace, we will come forth as gold (Job 23:10).

A few weeks ago,we got the surprise of a lifetime…a POSITIVE pregnancy test! I couldn’t believe my eyes as I stood there in our hotel room (we are currently on deputation), tears welling up in my eyes, asking my husband if I was crazy or if there were really two pink lines on that test…shocked! We are still in shock. After three years of negative test, after negative test, we were just blown away by what we were seeing. It is still very early, we know that. We don’t know if it’s in God’s plan for us to even carry this precious life to full term. Some may even think we are crazy for announcing so soon.  But, what we are doing is trusting the Lord with this precious gift of life for as long as He allows us to enjoy it. Simply praising Him for giving us something we didn’t think we’d ever have the joy of experiencing again.


It’s my prayer that God will answer your prayer for a child, but if His plan is different, I pray that He will give you the peace in your heart, in that area, that only He can give; that He will continuously remind you, in His Word, that He is sovereign over all and is the only One who can see the big picture. Most importantly, He is working everything out for our good and His glory.

With Love,



DISCLAIMER: My use of this article is not a blanket endorsement of The Gospel Coalition, John Piper or other Bible versions that are used.


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  • 4 thoughts on “Silent Heartache

    1. I’ve known Crystal Johnson for several years. Not only has she blessed my life with her amazing friendship but every day blesses my life with wonderful posts and updates of her and her families journeys. This is such an upllifting thing she ha as shared with others.

    2. This is too beautiful. I cried through the whole story. It was very encouraging and made me re-think my current situation. I pray God gives me the strength to take each day as it comes without loosing faith in his word.

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